Posted by: Steph | February 21, 2006


It’s been over seven months since I have had a cigarette and I have a few things to say about the whole thing. To be honest, even though once in a while I think I want a cigarette, if I really think about it I actually don’t. When something stresses me out I no longer get doubly frustrated because I cannot smoke. I’m long past feeling angry and vulnerable because I cannot smoke. But I still miss it and this is why:

I miss having the little mini breaks in my day – it’s just not the same when you don’t smoke. The cigarette break is a perfectly timed selfish moment that I don’t seem to be able to find a substitute for. I miss the feeling of living on cigarettes, diet coke, and adrenaline. I hate that I have 20 pounds to lose before I fit into my cute jeans from the pre-quitting days. I have stopped eating every cookie and piece of candy that i can lay my hands on but losing weight was so much easier when I smoked.

And I realize intellectually that it’s better to be a fat non-smoker, but admit it, we live in a messed up society that values thinness above pink lungs. Singing, yeah, my range and power are better, but I’ve lost the quality that made my voice my own. I’m re-training it because it was as though I had forgotten how to use my voice. The good news is that my voice is still pretty deep and not flowery or anything like that. Not into the fluffy girlie voices.


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